Deployment

Before Army life I had a very narrow, albeit sympathetic view of deployment life.  I felt for families missing their soldiers and yet had no clue just how much strength those families must possess.   Wow! how experience does change us.  War changes us.
For instance- October 8, 2010.  The day my husband of 8 years got on a plane bound for the middle east.  I have never hurt so much in all my life...until...
Nine days later when my daughter had her 7th birthday.  Without her daddy.
It's true, with each passing day you grow a little bit stronger.  A thicker skin, maybe.  Slowly, you begin to meet people.  In my case, some amazing people from my church helped pass the time.  The Pierce family even had us over for Thanksgiving.  We won't soon forget that. 
Christmas was a little more difficult, but winter comes with its own distractions in Colorado.  Nana and Starla visited in early December.  Time flew by with Disney On Ice, Denver, and Ice Skating.  The rest of the month was a slow build-up of anxiety mixed with excitement to see the kids open what Daddy ordered online and shipped to them.  Christmas day was sad.  Thank God for skype!
New Year's Eve brought a snow storm and the first time I ever had to be self-sufficient in bad weather.  I failed miserably at that, and after totaling my Malibu, I now (and as long as we live in Colorado) have a 4wd vehicle! 
February- Valentine's Day and Brandon's birthday.  He sent me roses, I sent him candy and an ipod cover.  We made the best of it. 
March was a little easier.  A visit from Taryn and Melissa was short and sweet.  I love my North Carolina and Tennessee friends.  They can't all afford to take off and come see us, but their support and love was felt from a distance.  Also in March, I started meeting other Army wives through the FRG.  Why didn't I do THAT sooner?!  Live and learn, remember?  These ladies are strong and beautiful and funny.  They understand what I go through day to day.  Priceless.
April.  GUESS WHAT!  Brandon called me at 3am one day to say he's coming home on R&R for two weeks!  I don't think I slept much during that time period.  I had been having health problems anyway, but my anxiety went sky high.  Something you don't realize until you're separated from your spouse for a long time-it can be gut-churning to think about reuniting with him.  The end of April was amazing, though.  Well worth the wait.  
May-He got to be home on Mother's Day.  I was so spoiled and so happy.  Then, seven months after we saw him off the first time, we had to say goodbye again.   I held it together pretty well.  Then Noah broke down.  Leave it to my children to remind me that there is a hole in my heart the size of a grown man and yeah, that's something to cry about!  After a few days things went back to normal.  Noah finished up first grade with extremely good scores.  On reading comprehension she scored in the 99th percentile for first graders in the country.  (Had to brag!)
Summer-as we move closer to reuniting things begin to slow, but we have had a lot of fun so far.  The military treats us well, and has given us free tickets to fun family activities.  I'm positive there will be a marked improvement in our quality of life when Brandon gets home.  He is afterall, our comedian and entertainer, a job for which he is highly qualified. 
Back to the point.  I sit here at the end of our very first deployment, amazed at many things.  So much time has passed, which at the beginning felt like it would never end.  We have come so far. 
I'm in awe of the strength my two little ones have shown this year.  For the first time in their lives, and without understanding why, they were without the protector of their home.  Yet their smiles got me through this year.  I am so unbelievably proud of them. 
I am amazed at my husband.  He is a person for whom change does not come easy.  He decided to join the Army after 7 years at his previous job.  This year he has endured so much change, and through it all he has been my soft place to land.  He knows just what to say and just when I need to hear it.  I love him more than the day I married him.  He is truly my hero. 
I am in wonder because of my God. I am forever grateful for the strength His love has supplied me.  I don't know where I would be without faith.  I am far from perfect, but that is okay with Him.  He has been my Protector and Provider and my unwavering source of hope.  He answers prayer.

Deployment is not an easy thing to deal with.  It is a learning experience, a test, a personal pergatory at times.  I am grateful that we had a somewhat short first go-round, and for the amenities we enjoy that people in past deployments have not.  Like skype.  And I am grateful for every prayer and comment and message of concern for our family.  We have a great support system.  And we are ALMOST done!

The Truth as Some People Know It

Today I heard of someone ministering to a teenage boy who had literally never heard the name Jesus.   It broke my heart. 

I realize that in this day and age people believe many different things.  With every fiber of my being I know that this is because God gives us all the free will to choose.   

The thing is, more and more people do not tell anyone about their beliefs in the gospel of Jesus Christ.  And if you know it and believe it, this is unacceptable.   How can anyone make a decision for Christ if they have no idea who He was (IS)?   For anyone reading this who does not believe,  I am not sorry for what I do believe.  We live in a country where it is ok to think and say and believe what you want. 
But if you are looking for the Love the you can't find in any person or thing, seek a relationship with God.  And if you want to know the story of Jesus Christ's sacrifice, I will be glad to tell it, because many years ago, more than one someone took the time to share it with me.   

I Miss You...

I am pretty sure that I can survive the next few months of this journey.  I've made it five and a half thus far.  But our latest challenge has been the fact that communications are down.  Anyone who is in a marriage knows the importance of communication.  I can  deal with the stress of not knowing what he is doing, as long as there are no phone calls or knocks at the door.  I can deal with the stress of living like a single mom, and doing everything I can to get my family through this in one piece.  I can even deal with being very lonely.   What I have a harder time with is not hearing his voice.   He is everything a husband should be, including an assuring presence in my life, even when he is not physically here.  These past eleven days have been the slowest of the entire deployment.  I pray to hear his voice, and I am thankful that God is watching over us both, and knows things that I do not know.    It is a mystery to me how wives dealt with these absences before technology.  Military wives of the past are now my heroes.  How tough would you have to be to go months without knowing the status of your most beloved?  I cannot fathom it.  In light of recent tragedies, I realize that I am lucky every day that we are here, loving and missing one another.  But the day my best friend comes home is going to be the most welcome, most exciting-and at the same time-calming, day of my life.   

Body Battle

This is not a New Year’s Resolution.  It’s more like a resolution I’ve had since the day I gave birth to my son and only lost the 8 lbs. 9 oz. of his weight.  Yep, the battle of the bulge.  Okay so that’s an exaggeration.
    All my life I’ve been unsure of my body.  Maybe that’s because I started out as a runt, wearing the same size clothes as my little sister.  My mom thought it was cute.  She dressed us like twins whenever possible.  I was a twig, to put it realistically.   Then 7th grade comes along and wham! I have curves, and long legs, and HUGE feet.  And not the coolest clothes in school…but that’s another story.  One I really don’t care to tell as it has no bearing on how I feel about myself. 
    When I look at pictures of me then, I can’t even believe I had a poor body image.  I looked fantastic, really.  I was athletic and outgoing, and never had trouble making friends.  And to tell the truth about it, it would be funny to think about….IF….

    IF I didn’t have a beautiful daughter who is charming and awesome and bound to be curvy and tall, just like her mom.  When I think about the media’s portrayal of the right body (non-existent! This one’s too small, that one’s too fat…) I want to hide her away and protect her from the inevitable judgment of others, and even harsher judgment of herself.  Which leads me to my non-resolution, resolution.  To be happy with myself, and be her first and closest example of a positive body image. 
    Lately, I have been eating healthier and staying active.  These things aren’t all that hard for me to do as it turns out.  I walk the dog, walk to the mailbox, pick up the kids, put down the kids.  I also go to the gym whenever possible.  I’m sure that in time, I will start to see the changes that I’m hoping for, and that will motivate me further.  But the thing that I’ve realized, begrudgingly, is that I am no longer eighteen.  I cannot expect myself to look it or feel it.  What I can do is be my healthiest, happiest self at twenty-six. 
    How do I plan to do this?  Well, one step at a time.  By keeping with my goals and refusing to give up.  I don’t really have a weight in mind.  I have in mind to feel good about myself and to stop using the word ’diet’ so much.  No, I’ll stop using it altogether.  Ultimately my goal is to quit comparing myself to little bitty people who are always going to be little bitty.  I have these things called hips, and as far as I know, they aren’t going away.  So it’s time to get happy with them.  Because my husband seems to be, and well, that’s pretty important.
    In another five or more years from now (Dear Lord, please let it be more) when my daughter starts looking more like a young woman, I only hope that she will know her worth inside and out.  That she will be active and content and love herself for the effort she puts forth. That she could look first to God and then to her family and realize that she is exactly who she is supposed to be.  Big feet or not.  Wouldn’t that be a happy ending?

My first blog....Here Goes Nothing.

12-28-10

I am so glad Christmas is over.  Although the season holds significant meaning for me, I can't imagine being as lonely every year as I felt for this one.  How do people do it?  Just the idea of a repeat makes me want to visit a nursing home or something.  Loneliness sucks.  

But I don't want to be misunderstood.  I am one very lucky girl; blessed beyond belief with these two amazing children who remind me every day of the love I have for their dad.  They keep my heart light (well, lighter than I have felt myself capable of in recent months).  So it might be easy to question how I could have the cutest, blondest, most crystal-blue-eyed and bright-spirited children on earth and still feel lonely.  I ask myself that question every single day.  But I am.

That's due mostly to the fact that my husband is in another country on the other side of the world. My best friend is gone, and I don't just miss him.  I feel his absence in a physical sense.  My heart is lingering in the space between he and I, and it will not beat normally again until he is home.  I can't say much about him, except that he is my hero.  My husband of eight years, and best friend for ten.   He is a soldier in the U.S. Army and his deployment is my life's biggest challenge thus far.  Superficial as it may seem, that's where I find myself-seriously lonely, but blessed to have his love and his safety, and his children in my life.  

Some might wonder whether we have an arsenal of people who are helping to pass the time and make this easier.  Well, yes and no.  Our family just moved to Colorado this summer and we didn't meet many people before Brandon deployed. (I do have to give a shout out to a friend who is also going through the deployment of her husband.  She is currently in Cali and I can't wait til she gets back. Our husbands love each other almost as much as I love her.)   Some of the best people I have met so far are from church.  They have been very supportive and are always there with a smile and encouraging word. I am so thankful for that.  

Also, I must say that while our friends and family are hundred and hundereds of miles away, their love and prayers are heartfelt and palpable.

There is no substitute for the girlfriends I have known for years, the closeness of family, and the feeling of home.  The irony-our new apartment did feel like home when he was still in it.  Now it just feels too small and too far away from everyone I love.  So in four days when I take the Christmas tree down (yes I wait til New Year's, less as a superstition and more because my mom always did) I am going to feel nothing but relief.  Relief for a new year, and new birthdays and celebrations, a coundown to Brandon's homecoming, and most of all a year when Christmas will feel like it is supposed to feel-magical.  I can't wait to feel whole again.