My first blog....Here Goes Nothing.

12-28-10

I am so glad Christmas is over.  Although the season holds significant meaning for me, I can't imagine being as lonely every year as I felt for this one.  How do people do it?  Just the idea of a repeat makes me want to visit a nursing home or something.  Loneliness sucks.  

But I don't want to be misunderstood.  I am one very lucky girl; blessed beyond belief with these two amazing children who remind me every day of the love I have for their dad.  They keep my heart light (well, lighter than I have felt myself capable of in recent months).  So it might be easy to question how I could have the cutest, blondest, most crystal-blue-eyed and bright-spirited children on earth and still feel lonely.  I ask myself that question every single day.  But I am.

That's due mostly to the fact that my husband is in another country on the other side of the world. My best friend is gone, and I don't just miss him.  I feel his absence in a physical sense.  My heart is lingering in the space between he and I, and it will not beat normally again until he is home.  I can't say much about him, except that he is my hero.  My husband of eight years, and best friend for ten.   He is a soldier in the U.S. Army and his deployment is my life's biggest challenge thus far.  Superficial as it may seem, that's where I find myself-seriously lonely, but blessed to have his love and his safety, and his children in my life.  

Some might wonder whether we have an arsenal of people who are helping to pass the time and make this easier.  Well, yes and no.  Our family just moved to Colorado this summer and we didn't meet many people before Brandon deployed. (I do have to give a shout out to a friend who is also going through the deployment of her husband.  She is currently in Cali and I can't wait til she gets back. Our husbands love each other almost as much as I love her.)   Some of the best people I have met so far are from church.  They have been very supportive and are always there with a smile and encouraging word. I am so thankful for that.  

Also, I must say that while our friends and family are hundred and hundereds of miles away, their love and prayers are heartfelt and palpable.

There is no substitute for the girlfriends I have known for years, the closeness of family, and the feeling of home.  The irony-our new apartment did feel like home when he was still in it.  Now it just feels too small and too far away from everyone I love.  So in four days when I take the Christmas tree down (yes I wait til New Year's, less as a superstition and more because my mom always did) I am going to feel nothing but relief.  Relief for a new year, and new birthdays and celebrations, a coundown to Brandon's homecoming, and most of all a year when Christmas will feel like it is supposed to feel-magical.  I can't wait to feel whole again.